Witnesses Hieronymus White and Violet Pinkman were interviewed near the Whole Foods Market parking lot. (Interview by Donny Levit / Park Slope Stoop.)
Chaos erupted at a typically peaceful Whole Foods Market in Gowanus (214 3rd Street near 3rd Avenue) this morning in what appears to have been a hostile takeover by neighborhood food grocer Park Slope Food Coop (782 Union Street).
Witnesses tell us that at approximately 8:21am this morning, a throng of 100-125 individuals stormed both entrances of the market — each located on the front facade of the building.
“I was having 1/2 pound of Brooklyn Java ground to #10 [used for a permanent filter coffee machine] when it looked like they were coming from all sides,” said 34-year-old Park Slope neighbor Lincoln Butler-Douglass.
Witnesses Hieronymus White and Violet Pinkman entered the store at 8:01am. “We just saw this crowd of people in orange Park Slope Food Coop vests,” said White, visibly shaken by the kerfuffle.
Pinkman — who lives with White on 18th Street near 5th Avenue — said they were located “in the beauty section. We were just looking at soaps … local soaps.”
Multiple witnesses dashed to their cars. A man dressed in a brown flannel and tan pork pie hat declined to provide his name, but told us that he saw “thousands” of Buddha’s hands throughout the aisles. “They had some sort of improvised catapult contraption thing. I saw one of those citrus fingers lodged in the back of a cashier, and she looked like she was in shock.”
“Those Buddha’s hands are juiceless and very fragrant,” said a woman wearing a faded Joy Division t-shirt, while running to her car.
47-year-old Sterling St. John was hiding under a bench, whispering “go over to the canal, dude. You won’t believe what they threw in there. Dude.”
We observed a massive slick floating on the surface of the Gowanus Canal heading in the direction of the Lightstone Project at 363-365 Bond Street.
“I’ve never seen so much hummus in my life,” added St. John. “I slipped twice. My right arm was shredded by a lobster. Just look at it. The lobsters were all over the floor. It looked like a scene from Annie Hall.”
Update [10:15am]: Whole Foods Brooklyn has issued a statement on the status of their hummus supply via Twitter.
— Whole Foods Brooklyn (@wfmbrooklyn) April 1, 2016
TRAFFIC WARNING: We strongly suggest neighbors avoid 3rd and 4th Avenues in the vicinity of 3rd Street, as the flow of individuals in orange vests is increasing.