Southern Brooklyn

Good Morning Dog Walker, Stop Stealing Newspapers


Readers of Sheepshead Bites might be surprised to learn that some people still pay for news. Not only that, this news is actually printed (yes, printed!) on sheets of pulped, chemical-laden murdered trees! They kill trees to produce news for you to pay for! Injustice!

Well, one such place that sells these antique news delivery systems is Just In Time Pharmacy at 2126 Knapp Street. And the buggers have found that a bunch of fools who think paper grows on trees (wait, huh?) are just taking them! Without paying for them! Paying for the news! They didn’t pay for the news!

Be still, my beating heart. Though nothing could be so tragic as the idea that citizens could be coerced  to pay – to pay for news! – through tricks originating from the most deviant, obscene recesses of a publisher’s dark, insipid mind – yes, though all of this may be true in its own sick, twisted way – we take comfort. We take comfort in the fact that a lone hero stands on the side of citizens and democracy, providing information daily and for free. Yes, a hero, a media messiah, if you will, which may one day perish for all publishers’ sins (and they, believe it, are many), for now rides high on the horizon, casting the warm, comforting glow of knowledge upon its unappreciative public at no charge.

And, yet, there are scoundrels who steal by forcing those to pay – to pay for news! – and then there are those scoundrels, in turn, thieving from the thieves. Who here is the greater villain? Who is the douchiest douche of them all?

Oh, right, the dog walkers and bicyclists who are stealing from a locally-owned small business. That’s pretty douchey.

Photo and tip courtesy of Rob S.

Comment policy


  1. it will be funny if they can get the newspaper thieves arrested but not the people that stuck them up a few times lol!!!

  2. A former elderly neighbor used to steal my morning paper when it was dropped at my apartment door. I caught him in the act after three months and he ‘fessed up and offered to pay me, but he was so frail, I just told him to stop it. 
    He died six months later surrounded by old newspapers. The latter part of that sentence is not true.

  3. I hope that they are all caught. Lock their thieving asses up. I dont care that the papers are cheap, they have no right to steal them.

  4. no more mailmen,and im not even sure how many people will be out of work when the post and daily news go,not to mention the thousands of small businesses that shut there doors because of you guys that love to run to your computer and buy your shit straight from china instead of walking down the block.I wish one morning i wake up and the front page of Daily News reads “NEW DISCOVERY!!!ALLLL COMPUTERS CAUSE TESTICULAR CANCER”

  5. 90sb,
    My testicles and I resent that curse – and on the eve of XMas Eve, no less!
    Some things juss’ ain’t right.

    Otherwise, interestingly written article BTW, it made my head spin and gave me a huge headache.  I had to read the article twice; it’s humor, irony and sarcasm swirling in my grey matter like a stray testicular cancer cell on a pinball journey to the drop point.  The pain was pure pleasure, nonetheless.  

    Happy holidays to all, and may the theft of a newspaper be the worst that happens to us all in the new year.


  6. Your blog requires an electronic device, which contains carcinogens, and the use of electricity. Killing trees is sad, but how does this balance against the cost of this alternative. Your value is in the truth.

  7. You try not to pay for the services of those working for you, you get interns from local educational institutions. How equitable is that?! People work hard for you for nothing.

  8. let me just inform everybody that Just-in-Time gives out newspapers for FREE…so instead of stealing it just wait till they open and get a FREE newspaper…


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