Good Morning Dog Walker, Stop Stealing Newspapers

Readers of Sheepshead Bites might be surprised to learn that some people still pay for news. Not only that, this news is actually printed (yes, printed!) on sheets of pulped, chemical-laden murdered trees! They kill trees to produce news for you to pay for! Injustice!

Well, one such place that sells these antique news delivery systems is Just In Time Pharmacy at 2126 Knapp Street. And the buggers have found that a bunch of fools who think paper grows on trees (wait, huh?) are just taking them! Without paying for them! Paying for the news! They didn’t pay for the news!

Be still, my beating heart. Though nothing could be so tragic as the idea that citizens could be coerced  to pay – to pay for news! – through tricks originating from the most deviant, obscene recesses of a publisher’s dark, insipid mind – yes, though all of this may be true in its own sick, twisted way – we take comfort. We take comfort in the fact that a lone hero stands on the side of citizens and democracy, providing information daily and for free. Yes, a hero, a media messiah, if you will, which may one day perish for all publishers’ sins (and they, believe it, are many), for now rides high on the horizon, casting the warm, comforting glow of knowledge upon its unappreciative public at no charge.

And, yet, there are scoundrels who steal by forcing those to pay – to pay for news! – and then there are those scoundrels, in turn, thieving from the thieves. Who here is the greater villain? Who is the douchiest douche of them all?

Oh, right, the dog walkers and bicyclists who are stealing from a locally-owned small business. That’s pretty douchey.

Photo and tip courtesy of Rob S.


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