Batter Up! Hipsters To Invade Coney Island Ballpark

My girlfriend moved to a new apartment yesterday. She hired a Williamsburg-based moving company she found online. Three lanky hipsters turned up to her apartment; they were band mates who make their money moving other people’s stuff until they get an offer for a big record deal that they can then turn down because it’s too mainstream, then declare they’ve “made it” in the big N-Y-C, and move back to Pennsyltuckyville and leave inflated rents behind for the rest of us.

In the course of conversation, they asked about her boyfriend, me.

“Oh he lives in Sheepshead Bay,” she answered.

“Whoa, that’s, like, real-life Brooklyn,” one responded.

Always game, she shot back, “Like, ya, it’s all like real life, man.”

And now the Brooklyn Cyclones in Coney Island are in on the joke, too. At least we hope it’s a joke. The franchise is extending an open invitation to beardos of the flannel stripe, throwing a “Williamsburg Night” on Thursday, June 5.

The festivities include “special vouchers” for “any bearded fans” and a post-game run on the bases for those in “skinny jeans.” Oh, and let’s not forget the “Williamsburg music and art,” which we assume means a lot of vintage-filtered cell phone photos of kewl-looking people who have their faces turned away from the camera. There’s also a skeeball contest, because baseball just ain’t hip enough.

I can’t help but wonder if this is a serious offer or a joke meant to appeal to the hipster’s predictable – and exhausted – sense of irony. Or maybe it’s genuine, and the folks at the Cyclones actually think that hipsters like being described as hipsters, as if these kazoo-voiced, twig-shaped social dregs would say, “Like, yah, I’ve got skinny jeans and a beard and I totally love skeeball.”

Of course, we all know the first sign of a hipster is denial. “I’m not a hipster. I’m from Brooklyn. I moved here seven months ago and a homeless guy stole the iPad (the one my daddy bought me) when I was taking Instagram photos of graffiti in dark alleys in Williamspoint-Stuy, so I’m, like, def real Brooklyn.”

The whole thing is giving the folks over at DieHipster a kenipshit… and an idea:

Even the people who run the Cyclones are betting on a bunch of fully grown adult toddlers from Wiscofornia to show up in ball crushing, filthy, sweaty tight jeans and beards in the middle of the summer. What normal person wears such uncomfortable clothes in 80-90 degree weather? It’s all about the “look at me” factor. It always is.
… They are coming down and being exposed to Coney Island and normal Brooklyn which will give these ‘urban pioneers’ ideas to ‘help’ us and bring ‘culture’. On the bright side, what’s one thing that is plentiful in a baseball stadium? BATS! Hopefully this is just a trick to get a few hundred of them to show up and once they do the staff locks the gates, hands out bats to the normal Brooklynites and we get to pound on these bearded scumbags.

Whoa, that’s, like, real-life Brooklyn, yo.

Not really. Don’t hurt the hipsters.