Opinion: Here’s What Happened The Night After Trump’s ‘Hot Mic’ Video Was Released

The night after the release of the now infamous Trump and Billy Bush video, I went with two friends to a bar called Lucey’s Lounge on Third Avenue in Park Slope. I’d noticed the bar before and had even been inside once and admired its original tin ceiling. I thought it might be a fun place to have drinks.

We decided to sit at the bar. The bartender who projected a bit of a macho attitude gave us menus with an extensive list of cocktails. He told us that he would only take our order when all of us knew what we were drinking.

There was something slightly authoritarian about him. Then he ignored us for ten minutes because he was busy mixing drinks. Finally, we ordered.

After serving us our drinks, he asked if we’d like popcorn. He said he also had deviled eggs and sweet and spicy nuts and added: “I’d really like to see my nuts in your mouth.”

His comment made me gasp. I felt instantly assaulted by the vulgarity and inappropriateness of his remark. It felt like a punch to the stomach. He looked at me like “What?” I said, “You remind me of Donald Trump.” He laughed and said, “Oh, I’m not voting for him after yesterday.” I went back to drinking my drink and talking to my friends. And it’s that going back to just sitting at the bar that bothers me the most.

I wish I’d really spoken my mind to that bartender. I wish that we’d bolted out of the bar. But we didn’t. And that’s a familiar feeling, too.

I think the double bind is not just being subjected to this kind of male behavior but also thinking we have to take it with a smile. That feeling of being assaulted has been with me for days. It also brought up memories of other times I’ve heard men say insulting sexist things without reacting.

Maybe I scowled, maybe I said something strong. But there’s always that push/pull to remain nice, laugh along, to be a “good sport,” to remain civil, to take it in stride.

I don’t think we should take it in stride anymore. I’ve sat with these feelings for a few days and that bartender’s rude and disrespectful words stayed with me. I felt angry.

By Monday morning I knew exactly what to do with my anger. I opened Facebook and posted a long post about Saturday night’s incident. By Tuesday morning there were 38 comments and many “likes” in support of my “sweet and spicy nuts” story.

Some, like this comment from author and feminist activist Ellen Bravo, advised me to “Write the owner so you have documentation. Tell him this employee broke the law by sexually harassing customers. Ask what level of discipline they use for such an offense. Call for a proactive step such as hanging a sign prominently that says, ‘We will not allow sexual harassment in our establishment.'”

There were many comments from Park Slope locals who vowed never to go to Lucey’s Lounge. Some even volunteered to set the guy straight. Friends from around the country shared my post and promised to tell people to avoid Lucey’s when visiting Brooklyn.

There was even a comment from a man who tried to explain the bartender’s behavior. “Young men (I was one a long time ago) are often insecure. Not to excuse the crassness of the bartender, but someone needs to explain his problem to him and point out that he will never succeed as a human unless he deals with it.”

What I didn’t expect was a thoughtful apology from the bartender himself who wrote:

“First of all let me say that I am deeply ashamed and very sorry by how flip I was at the bar in regards to the sweet and spicy nuts that we sell at the bar. My comments were inappropriate and in poor taste. Also considering the times we live in and how disrespected women have been by the buffoon known as Trump in this election year, I should have been more sensitive as well.”

I was grateful for his apology but more than that I was relieved that he took responsibility for his actions and even tried to explain himself:

“Anyone who knows the type of person I am knows that I am not a misogynist. Most of my friends are women. I was raised primarily by women, including a single mother. I despise everything Donald Trump stands for and I have always viewed women as my equals if not my superiors.”

I was especially moved by what he said at the end of his comment:

“I ask for your forgiveness. You have my word that I won’t be making any stupid comments at the bar again…Thank you, Louise Crawford, for trying to make me a better person.”

I sat with his apology, re-read it, thought some more. At first, I didn’t know what to say and I certainly didn’t know what to write. The cynical part of me wondered if this was just a damage control maneuver but somehow believed he was sincere.

I wanted to accept his apology wholeheartedly and not hold a grudge against this guy. At the same time, I didn’t want to abandon the potential activism my post seemed to have inspired because I savored the idea of a protest in front of Lucey’s Lounge.

Still, I knew that anger wasn’t the right way to deal with this situation now that the bartender had apologized. Forgiveness was.

I replied to the bartender’s comment with a simple “Thank you for your apology.”

I really did feel grateful. An apology is a simple thing but it’s not always easy. This one was especially powerful because the bartender was willing to take responsibility for his actions.

If we’re willing to speak our minds and listen to each other I believe change is possible. I’m glad I expressed myself even if it was two days later and on Facebook. It helped me process the difficult feelings it brought up, get support from others, and even offered me a chance to forgive someone who was willing to admit that he’d made a mistake and wants to change his behavior going forward.

Louise Crawford is the founder of Only the Blog Knows Brooklyn, one of the first hyperlocal blogs in Brooklyn. She runs Brooklyn Social Media providing publicity and social media to authors, entrepreneurs and arts organizations.