Advance’s Endorsement Of Grimm Shows We’re In The Real Life Version Of South Park’s Giant Douche Vs. Turd Sandwich Race

One candidate is facing a 20-count indictment on charges of tax evasion. His campaign is mired with allegations of illegal contributions. Friends are likely going to prison. His associates, from mobsters to porn kings, leave much to be desired.

The other one is an empty suit of the highest order, unable to even bullshit his way through some of the simplest policy questions. He has focused instead on calling his opponent names (to be fair, a trick they’ve both used).

The race, of course is between incumbent Congressman Michael Grimm and Democratic challenger Domenic Recchia.

Faced with the prospect of endorsing one or the other, newspaper editors would be best to sit this one out. Admittedly, that’s easy for us to say – we don’t do endorsements. We think you can make up your own mind… even though voters surely face a doozy this coming Tuesday.

The Staten Island Advance is made of sterner stuff than us, I guess. They issued their endorsement this morning to Congressman Michael Grimm. It was a bit of a surprise, given that the paper has thoroughly and aggressively reported on Grimm’s woes. But the endorsement was one for the ages, as the editorial team churned out 990 words to thinly mask what was little more than a reluctant, “Mrrrph, this one I guess. Sure, whatever.”

Here are some of the highlights (paragraph breaks may have been removed to fit the list format):

• There are, on occasion, electoral races in which both candidates are of high quality and high integrity and conduct a tough but fair campaign about the issues … The election for the House of Representatives seat in the 11th New York Congressional District is nothing like that.
• That choice for us is Michael Grimm. Surprisingly, if a choice is to be made, Mr. Grimm should be that choice, even under these circumstances.
• [Recchia] doesn’t bring much else to the table. His campaign strength, it would seem, is to say he’s not Michael Grimm.
• To have Staten Island’s congressman under federal indictment has been a black mark on this borough and has made it the laughingstock of the nation … Unfortunately, his opponent’s astonishing incoherence in public statements only adds to the ridiculousness.
• Stories about Mr. Grimm’s extra-curricaular activities are numerous. We learned that he spent considerable time in the ladies’ room of a Brooklyn tavern with a female friend, who he claimed to be counseling.  We heard he pulled a gun during a melee in a dance club in Manhattan. We heard him threaten to throw a reporter off a balcony because he didn’t like a question posed.
• As distasteful as this contest may be on a number of levels, we have a choice to make, as do the voters. On Tuesday, Mr. Grimm is still the best practical choice for Staten Island. Our system of justice calls for us to wait until February, when he faces trial, to discover the rightness or wrongness of that decision.

It’s pretty clear the venerable editors over at the advance know their choice is between two lumps of coal. Or, rather, as South Park once so well depicted the modern American electoral system, between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich. And if that sounds like a reach, just watch this clip between the two fictionalized candidates and tell us if it really is any less substantial than the two televised debates between Grimm and Recchia:

We don’t know about you, voters of the 11th Congressional District. But we’re writing in Hypnotoad.